A Moment of Honesty: The Unfriend Button


Winter is slowly melting into Spring and just as the earth is transitioning, so am I. We all are, in a way. I guess we're always growing, always changing-- just sometimes we feel it more than others. I'm feeling it now. I've been using the term "waxing and waning" quite a bit on here lately but I can't think of a more tragically beautiful description of my early-twenties than that. I'm being torn down a little more every day and slowly being built back up. I feel like all around me is soot and cinder, nothing is static, nothing is settled. The reality of the incredibly fragile nature of relationships, circumstances, health, and life itself is becoming more and more evident to me every day. It's all so volatile, day in and day out, vulnerable to even the softest breezes. My tattoo reads, cast upon the water. It has new meaning for me with every passing season of my life. I never would have thought that it would have to do with the folks I hold dearest to me though.

I've been sad this week. More motivated than ever, but plain sad. I've been losing friends at the drop of a hat lately for seemingly no reason at all. Though I can definitely be somewhat of a loner, relationships are very important to me and so would I consider myself a relationship-oriented person. I'm relishing in my alone time more and more but the ones I choose to keep in my life I love dearly. I also love blaming and shaming myself. When a relationship goes sour, I assume that I did something wrong and I try to make it right. I stretch myself too thin to try to please everyone. But I can't. It's tiring, and that's putting it lightly. I was never one to unfriend/block on social media until this week. I kind of splurged actually. It's empowering to prune back the dead branches. That's what this post is all about, after all. I know nothing about gardening but I do know that an overused-albeit-fitting analogy is the one about stripping away the dead leaves so that new things can bloom, otherwise, the entire plant dies.

Until I started chasing after my various dreams, I never realized how many naysayers I surrounded myself with. I never realized how many insecurities exist. I never dreamed that insecurity thrives on others' insecurities. I never realized that this manifests itself through jealously, slandering, and overall hurtfulness. I have my own particularly chilly moments, trust me, but I tend to be more of a confrontational person. I like to air my grievances freely as I see that as the only way to resolve any conflict. It seems though that more and more now, battles are not fought like this. We gossip. We "throw shade." We tear each other down with malice in our hearts. If you're someone who wants to create your own success, you may know the feeling of the ones you love completely turning their backs to you. They seem to think that by standing in the way of your happiness, they can create their own. I do not want to paint with a broad brush but more often than not, non-visionaries will be quick on the attack. To use another succinct cliché, "misery loves company." The Germans have a word for this: schadenfreude, pleasure derived from another's misfortune. I've been miserable too long and now, I'm cleaning house. I would certainly advise you to do the same. 

As hurt as I've been to let some of my friends go, my mind is now so much clearer. I am not privy to their infectious need to harm. While I do miss their company, I feel that a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders not having to worry about constantly being on the defensive. I no longer have to hear saccharine remarks and not have the fallout: the over analyzation of which, that would often keep me awake at night. I no longer have to deal with the anxiety of forced smalltalk. I can enjoy my milestone moments without feeling guilty. It's one of the hardest things to do but your quality of life will absolutely improve after cutting whatever and whoever is holding you back. After all, if things don't work out, the only one you have to blame is yourself. If someone is not building you up, why would you keep them around? Life is not about pandering or merely surviving. It's about thriving. It's about finding your purpose and having no regrets. You can find new friends, ones who will build you up. I've honestly not been the most pleasant person to be around because I've been surrounded by schadenfreude. It won't happen overnight but I know that once I'm done mourning, I'll be a more whole, more pleasant person.

Take a look at your life. Look at who is building you up and who is tearing you down. Your friends who are encouraging you? Give them a big hug, send them a bouquet of flowers, send them a sweet message and thank them for being in your life. Those who aren't, put the kibosh on their diabolical plans. You don't need them. They don't need you. Go on and do great things and enjoy your happy moments with others who actually care about your well-being.

xo,
e.m.

13 comments

  1. This is perfect. Your transparency is breathtaking and the wisdom that you have to offer is so valuable. Funny how some of the hardest experiences are the ones that push us even further by teaching us a lesson, kicking us in the butt, clearing our heads, or giving us courage. You clearly have beautiful dreams and a lovely heart and anyone who doesn't see that and treasure it is the one losing out. Defriending can seem cruel at first. But certain people walk through our lives for different seasons. They come and go. People are fickle. And lord knows us in our twenties are most fickle indeed. You did the right thing to move forward. Keep it up. I love your blog and love who you are!

    xo ronnie

    freelyronnie.blogspot.com

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    1. Thank you so much for the encouragement, it really means the world to me. I'm in that place where I'm trying to make sense of it all, it would seem so much more rewarding to let others' successes be an empowering thing but I guess it's easier to be bitter? It breaks my heart but, like everyone else in the world, I had to decide to put myself and my well-being first. I just hope that I can inspire others to make the same decision!

      xo,
      e.m.

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    2. Oh yeah. definitely. I can be the queen of bitter. I know when I first started my blog, I was deriving my inspiration from so many other bloggers who seemingly have it ALL together. And it sucked the life out of me. & even though some of them were acquaintances, I kinda cut the ties so that I could grow as an individual and not be artificially happy for them. Cuz that's no good for anyone. I'm slowly but surely learning to find joy in other people's success. But you are not alone in recognizing that it's hard. I mean we live in a society of comparisons and idolatry. It's been engrained in our minds for such a long time. But you have so much going for you. Just try and separate who you are from who they are. You have different lives. Different journeys. Let them walk theirs... and you freakn skip along yours ;]

      xo goodnight

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    3. AH, ain't it the truth. We see each other as competitors before we see each other as fellow human beings. It's heartbreaking but I think that people are finally starting to wake up and see just how much of a problem it is. Thank you, I will certainly be skippin' away down this crazy path called life.

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  2. I really needed to hear someone talk about this. I recently ended a friendship of 15 years with someone. As hard as it was, I know it was inevitable. Your post has helped me feel a bit better about it. Thank you. Your honesty is really heartfelt and wonderful.

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    1. I'm so glad that it helped! It's such a difficult decision to make, and even if it's been a "long time coming" and inevitable situation, that does NOT make it any easier. Thoughts and prayers are with you. Kudos for being bold though. You never know, perhaps this person could walk back into your life at another time and your bond could be stronger than ever. Even if it seems unimaginable, life is weird like that. :)

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  3. A hard lesson I've learned in life is that some people are just in your life for a time period. And it's okay if friends come and go after a little while. It's a natural circle and rhythm to life.

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    1. It's a tough lesson to learn but that is so true.

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  4. So I have been battling for this for a while now. In the last year my 'closest' friends have become people who barely recognise me and handle my problems by saying "oh its nothing, get over it". I in turn have become a person who doesn't know how to talk to them and I find myself trying to work out what to say in all the awkward pauses we encounter together.

    It's hard because I don't actually have that many friends to begin with and saying goodbye to these people will mean that my friend count could fit on one hand. You're right though to say goodbye to people who dont build you up or make you feel alive and happy. Gosh, if only it were that easy to pull the plug though.

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    1. I know, it's so incredibly difficult. If I were you, I'd make a list. I'd note what's important in friendships and contrast that with what your friends have to offer. It doesn't have to be all at once but if they're holding you back, it may be for the best. You can always make new, better ones! (But yes, I completely understand where you're coming from. It's so hard.) I'm here if you ever need to chat!

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